Rick Perry…Really?

The Twitterverse and presidential primaries. They never fail to suck me back into the commentary vortex. I was doing so well, too, in my recovery from campaigning. Last night I had a relapse courtesy of Rick Perry & Co.

Screen Shot 2015-07-20 at 10.54.13 PM

Ugh. Let’s start at the beginning:

1.  “Defending conservatism” — Every candidate in this primary is going to try to be the most conservative. Welp, sorry, fellas, the word “most” only allows for one in this context. Not everyone can be the most conservative. Governor, you’re a really nice guy and I am supportive of a lot of what you did during your tenure as the leader of Texas, but you’re not going to win the Most Conservative Award, not with crap like this, that, these, and those on your record. Maybe instead of “conservatism” you could use a word like “principle” or “values”. Strong message, less liability.


2.  “against the cancer of Trump-ism” — Oy. Dude. Really? You just took Donald Trump, the equivalent of “Annoying House Fly” and elevated him to “Cancer”, one of the scariest words in the English language. As someone whose parents are cancer survivors, I’m surprised you’d throw the word around so loosely as political rhetoric. Also, you should recognize that you just put all of Trump’s supporters in the “cancer” category, too. You do realize that those are people you could actually get to, ya know, vote for you, provided you don’t compare them to the evil that kills more than 1,500 Americans every day, right? Way to go, isolating your potential supporters. Great comms strategy. Brilliant.

watch this

3. “I hope you’ll join me Wednesday in DC” — Yah, because we can all drop what we’re doing to camp out at The Willard for a whopping 30 minutes. Also, The Willard? As in the $500 a night hotel? How about a link to the streaming coverage instead? Know your audience, please.


Rick Perry (read: his people) would have us believe Donald Trump is the Governor’s biggest problem right now. He’s given more attention to The Donald than he has to Planned Parenthood, the taxpayer-funded entity that just got busted aborting babies and selling their organs for cash. Twice.

Screaming Frodo - Why

Rather than drawing attention to an issue that brings conservatives, Republicans, lots of Independents, and even Democrats together because, let’s face it, strategically killing an infant so as not to damage its little liver because “a lot of people want liver” and enough baby liver can buy Dr. Frankenstein a Lamborghini is worse than evil, Governor Perry has his undies in a twist because some reality TV star is doing what reality TV stars get paid to do: be obnoxious. Donald Trump is show business. It’s his bread and butter. Being pro-life, Governor, is yours. It is for any conservative. This isn’t rocket science.


Again, with that tweet, you elevated him from “nuisance” to
“a very real and scary threateverybodyrunawayasfastaspossible!”

panicGovernor, you have at your fingertips the hottest economic model in the country (hint: it rhymes with Lexas) – use it. American families are hurting. Gas is up again, especially in California. Food prices are going up as a result of the fuel costs. Unemployment is still a problem (well over 6% in some states). Obamacare is failing aga- still. The IRS is out of control. Small businesses are under attack. The Congress was just trumped by the UN (sorry, poor word choice). And you’re over here distracted by Donald Freaking Trump.



You’ve No One To Blame But Yourselves

It’s been a busy few days and I had not planned time to sit down and blog today BUT sometimes you find a reason so good you’ll forget emptying the dishwasher and starting the laundry to dish out a righteous amount of snark.

sarcasmLast week I lamented about California’s “war on women” as Governor Jerry Brown seeks to limit the amount of time we can spend in the shower. Sorry, ladies, but you don’t have time to shave, let that conditioner set, or belt out that latest Taylor Swift chorus – you’ve gotta save water because the state is in a drought and suddenly it’s time to panic. Or something.

panicBut then the voice of reason steps in and presents SCIENCE! When your primary argument is “Save the Fish!” and the numbers indicate what you’re doing isn’t working, well, it’s time to stop saving the fishes the way you want to and think of something else.


Malia Zimmerman published an article on Fox News today about California’s drought. Click here to read the whole thing. Her headline is very professional.

Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 11.03.25 AM

Personally, I would have suggested something like this:

Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 11.03.25 AM

That’s why Ms. Zimmerman gets paid the big bucks. It’s not that I am against saving the environment. I love the environment, with all of its animals and plants and trees. I’m for clean air and clean water. I recycle and clip 6-pack rings before I put them in the aforementioned recycle bin. Heck, I even use canvas bags at the grocery store (even though I don’t support a plastic bag ban, let’s be really clear about that). We can be good stewards of our resources without being ridiculous.

Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 11.24.51 AM

AMEN! As we all learn in 6th grade earth science, there is a difference between weather and climate. Weather is the day-to-day activity: it’s sunny, it’s raining, look out the window and describe what you see. Climate is the long-term pattern that defines a region: it’s hot, it’s dry, it’s wet, it’s snowy. Remember the climate zones? Temperate, tropical, polar… (Thanks for being an awesome science teacher, Mrs. Gordon!)

you're awesomeSouthern California, even on the coast, is dry. Sure we get a nice layer of dew every morning, but there’s a reason people love the “perfect” weather here: it’s 70-something and sunny almost every day – it doesn’t rain. Oh, and the desert, well, that’s a desert so, honestly, why would anyone expect it to rain there?! Lack of rain in a desert should surprise no one. If you live in a desert and you know it’s not going to rain, common sense would suggest you plan infrastructure and resource management accordingly.


Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 11.37.54 AMThe problem isn’t there’s not enough water. The problem is the water is being poorly managed. Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink because WE’RE POURING IT INTO THE OCEAN. “But, Ashley,” you say, “they have big water storage and transport thingies!” Yah, let’s talk about those… Next paragraph!

Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 11.40.50 AM

1980 was 35 years ago, y’all. Can you imagine if we didn’t update our roads for 35 years? Water traveling through this system will cause excessive wear and tear on the network. Building new ones? Nope. Updating old ones? I mean, if we have to but definitely don’t expand them because SAVE ALL THE FISHES!!

As I mentioned earlier, I like fish. I like their contributions to the ecosystem, as well as my dinner plate.

Quotation-Molly-Harper-god-Meetville-Quotes-237278Here’s the problem:

Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 11.44.53 AM

Dear Environmentalists: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! Seriously, if my goal was to save $10,000 over the course of 2015 and I get to December and only have $6 saved, I need to re-think my strategy because whatever I tried, clearly, didn’t work.

wrongCalifornia Congressman Republican (they’re evil, I know) Devin Nunes states in the article that, obviously, the environmentalists didn’t set out to destroy California’s water supply but they got a little carried away and *oops!* they did. He claimed that if the state had built only three new dams and stored water over the last 40 years (instead of allowing environmental zealots to shut down every proposed plan in court), California wouldn’t be in this mess. But we let the fish-savers win and here we are.


Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 11.53.51 AMSomething about that fish is just creepy…

Do you want to know how carried away these people are, still? They are opposed to desalination (removing salt from ocean water) because it would require “too much energy”. They’re against building new dams and water storage facilities because it might tear down a tree. And, have mercy, don’t consider removing all the red tape they so carefully, and abundantly, put in place.

Understand me: there are people in this state and country who would prioritize 6 fish over 319 million Americans. “Okay, Ashley, that is a serious overstatement. You’re fear mongering!” Before you go and accuse me of being an evil Republican, answer me this question:

Do you eat food?

Well, do ya, punk? I don’t care if you’re paleo, vegan, vegetarian, pescadarian, carnivore, omnivore, no carbs or all carbs. Do you eat food? Then this drought affects you, too.

Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 11.58.57 AM

Forget “NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!” and start chanting “NO WATER, NO FOOD!” because that’s exactly what is happening. If we have to save those 6 little fish that an expert says is probably going to die anyway, if we have to divert water away from farms to save a doomed species, then we will produce less food. Supply and demand isn’t hard.

Less Product + Higher Demand = Higher Prices
More Product + Less Demand = Lower Prices

Take a look at your grocery bills over the last few years. The cost of bread, milk, and produce has skyrocketed while the fishie population has dwindled. It’s not that we shouldn’t care about the plight of one of God’s creatures, but we have to be reasonable about it: people need food and jobs and showers, for crying out loud. Besides, do you really want to be represented by these guys? I can smell the patchouli from here.

damsignWhat’s that about jobs? Oh, yah. Fewer crops require fewer workers. Fewer crops require fewer truck drivers. Fewer truck drivers require fewer logistics coordinators. Fewer logistics coordinators require fewer bosses. As you can see, we’re all in this boat together and the boat is in rough shape. Like, “held together with a wine cork, bubble gum, and a paperclip” bad shape.


So hug your tree-hugging neighbor, tell them it was a good try, clap ’em on the back and tell them that it’s time to get real. It’s time to re-align priorities and re-think strategies. It’s past time to build a few dams and store rain water. I don’t know about you, but I’m not willing to let my family suffer because a few fishes aren’t smart enough to find less-salty water to live in. Darwin was on to something…

fix stupidBy the way, this is the prized Delta Smelt. It’s really, uh, something…