Life is a Highway

I’ve had my Jeep 7 months. We got it new and I’ve taken quite a liking to it. That baby now has 13,303 miles on it. I drive. A lot. My Jeep and I have been around southern California, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Kansas, Oklahoma, and (duh) Texas.

fozzie

Y’all, I thought Houston was my motoring nightmare until I met southern California. Sure, there are good drivers somewhere – there have to be! I’ve been toying around with these letters in my head for months and every on ramp has only justified the snark that is about to be spewed.

thankyous

Dear Suburban Driver of Southern California Roads:
stopDoes it physically pain you to stop at a stop sign? No, really. Because no one seems to stop at them EVER, but if it’s your turn and someone doesn’t stop for you, whoa, Houston, we have a problem. Also, brake lights: are they optional? You have them. I can see them. So why don’t they work? Lastly, I am almost convinced that the blinker is the vehicular equivalent of an appendix in your mind, Suburban Driver of Southern California Roads. Much to your chagrin, I assure you that little stick on the left of your steering column does have a purpose, and a good one: it lets people around you know what the heck you’re about to do.

Sincerely,
Not Miss Cleo

cleo
Dear Fast Driver of Southern California Roads:
literacyI know, I know, you’re in a hurry. Guess what, sugar britches? No one cares. We all need to get somewhere, but you don’t see all of us raging around, in and out of lanes, no blinker, mere inches between bumpers. If it’s really that important, find yourself some lights and sirens. Might I suggest you put your middle finger back on the steering wheel? Please and thank you. You may do well with some smooth jazz or classical music to soothe your ragey nerves. 88.1FM or 105.1FM are good options, as are SiriusXM 66 and 76. Oh, and those pesky speed limit signs: I know you say to yourself, “Fast Driver of Southern California Roads, I know that sign reads 70 miles per hour, but they really meant 90.” WRONG. Literacy isn’t that hard, my friend.

Yours Truly,
Simmer Down Now, Here’s A Baby Animal

panda

Dear Slow Driver of Southern California Roads:
slugThe pedal on the right makes the car go. You should step on it. Everyone else is flying by at 80 miles an hour and here you are, putting along somewhere between molasses and grandma. ProTip: the fast drivers occupy the left side of the road and the slow drivers creep on the right. It makes sense: traffic needs to slow down to exit, ergo right lane is slower than other lanes. Don’t worry, you don’t have to exit – just stay there and cruise along at 47mph. No one will care. I promise. It’s just when you trudge along at the speed of a turtle when the rest of the road is going Ludicrous Speed, you’re a liability. Someone will hit you, or get unnecessarily aggressive and cause you to have a bad day. Just move to the right. Get out of the way. And, no, driving with your hazards on doesn’t make it any better if you’re not in the right lane – lookin’ at you, rusted blue 1989 Ford Ranger.

Sincerely,
The 68 MPH Speed Racer
drifting

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Pins and Needles

I’m going to start today by being as honest as possible: Acupuncture is weird. I am now a total authority on the subject because I went to my first-ever acupuncture appointment yesterday. Everything from the tests for identifying problems and solutions to the actual sticking of the pins to the laying there as stiff as a board with pins sticking in you try to relax is weird. But, hey, just because it’s weird doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. Lots of things are weird. Look at cauliflower, giraffes, venus fly traps…

weirdNot willing to deal with the pain in my knee and not ready for cortisone shots, MRIs, or surgery, this seemed like a good middle ground. This Chinese medicine thing has been around for a long while; I would think, by now, it would be widely known as a scam if it didn’t work for most people who try it. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. It’s worth a try.

mehIn my 90-minute appointment yesterday, I had a thorough conversation about my concerns, eating/drinking habits, lifestyle, and goals. While I was advised the 13.1 training might not be the best idea, I wasn’t told to not do it; she encouraged me to try other, less jarring activities (get ready for some hilariously awkward yoga posts!).

panda-yoga1Fortunately, I didn’t have a panic attack or cry when it was time for the pins. Have you noticed I refuse to call them “ne*dl*s”? Makes it less creepy. Honestly, I didn’t feel most of them, but some of them felt like a tweezer pulling out a hair and only one legitimately hurt. I tried to pretend like it was no big deal, but I’m pretty sure no one bought it.

confused smileI was totally going to reward myself for being a big girl by going to Trader Joe’s and buying some pretty flowers, but this happened.

IMG_7700Why have 1 blow-out when you can have 2? Everyone and everything is fine, but the Jeep did take a tumble through a pothole the size of New Jersey. Have I mentioned how much I admire the high quality of California’s roads? Seriously, of all the stuff this state spends money on, “Roads” is not on the list. Oddly enough, roads are one of the few things the states should actually spend money on, but I’ll spare y’all the soapbox today.

ron-2USAA has been wonderful. They took care of the claim, towing, rental car, and everything so quickly. From disaster to home on my couch in two hours. The more interactions I have with them, the more I appreciate their company. Now, I get to ride around in this beast. I think I’ll name her Dolly.

IMG_7703Who has something that needs hauling??