Rick Perry…Really?

The Twitterverse and presidential primaries. They never fail to suck me back into the commentary vortex. I was doing so well, too, in my recovery from campaigning. Last night I had a relapse courtesy of Rick Perry & Co.

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Ugh. Let’s start at the beginning:

1.  “Defending conservatism” — Every candidate in this primary is going to try to be the most conservative. Welp, sorry, fellas, the word “most” only allows for one in this context. Not everyone can be the most conservative. Governor, you’re a really nice guy and I am supportive of a lot of what you did during your tenure as the leader of Texas, but you’re not going to win the Most Conservative Award, not with crap like this, that, these, and those on your record. Maybe instead of “conservatism” you could use a word like “principle” or “values”. Strong message, less liability.

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2.  “against the cancer of Trump-ism” — Oy. Dude. Really? You just took Donald Trump, the equivalent of “Annoying House Fly” and elevated him to “Cancer”, one of the scariest words in the English language. As someone whose parents are cancer survivors, I’m surprised you’d throw the word around so loosely as political rhetoric. Also, you should recognize that you just put all of Trump’s supporters in the “cancer” category, too. You do realize that those are people you could actually get to, ya know, vote for you, provided you don’t compare them to the evil that kills more than 1,500 Americans every day, right? Way to go, isolating your potential supporters. Great comms strategy. Brilliant.

watch this

3. “I hope you’ll join me Wednesday in DC” — Yah, because we can all drop what we’re doing to camp out at The Willard for a whopping 30 minutes. Also, The Willard? As in the $500 a night hotel? How about a link to the streaming coverage instead? Know your audience, please.

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Rick Perry (read: his people) would have us believe Donald Trump is the Governor’s biggest problem right now. He’s given more attention to The Donald than he has to Planned Parenthood, the taxpayer-funded entity that just got busted aborting babies and selling their organs for cash. Twice.

Screaming Frodo - Why

Rather than drawing attention to an issue that brings conservatives, Republicans, lots of Independents, and even Democrats together because, let’s face it, strategically killing an infant so as not to damage its little liver because “a lot of people want liver” and enough baby liver can buy Dr. Frankenstein a Lamborghini is worse than evil, Governor Perry has his undies in a twist because some reality TV star is doing what reality TV stars get paid to do: be obnoxious. Donald Trump is show business. It’s his bread and butter. Being pro-life, Governor, is yours. It is for any conservative. This isn’t rocket science.

duh

Again, with that tweet, you elevated him from “nuisance” to
“a very real and scary threateverybodyrunawayasfastaspossible!”

panicGovernor, you have at your fingertips the hottest economic model in the country (hint: it rhymes with Lexas) – use it. American families are hurting. Gas is up again, especially in California. Food prices are going up as a result of the fuel costs. Unemployment is still a problem (well over 6% in some states). Obamacare is failing aga- still. The IRS is out of control. Small businesses are under attack. The Congress was just trumped by the UN (sorry, poor word choice). And you’re over here distracted by Donald Freaking Trump.

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Life is a Highway

I’ve had my Jeep 7 months. We got it new and I’ve taken quite a liking to it. That baby now has 13,303 miles on it. I drive. A lot. My Jeep and I have been around southern California, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Kansas, Oklahoma, and (duh) Texas.

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Y’all, I thought Houston was my motoring nightmare until I met southern California. Sure, there are good drivers somewhere – there have to be! I’ve been toying around with these letters in my head for months and every on ramp has only justified the snark that is about to be spewed.

thankyous

Dear Suburban Driver of Southern California Roads:
stopDoes it physically pain you to stop at a stop sign? No, really. Because no one seems to stop at them EVER, but if it’s your turn and someone doesn’t stop for you, whoa, Houston, we have a problem. Also, brake lights: are they optional? You have them. I can see them. So why don’t they work? Lastly, I am almost convinced that the blinker is the vehicular equivalent of an appendix in your mind, Suburban Driver of Southern California Roads. Much to your chagrin, I assure you that little stick on the left of your steering column does have a purpose, and a good one: it lets people around you know what the heck you’re about to do.

Sincerely,
Not Miss Cleo

cleo
Dear Fast Driver of Southern California Roads:
literacyI know, I know, you’re in a hurry. Guess what, sugar britches? No one cares. We all need to get somewhere, but you don’t see all of us raging around, in and out of lanes, no blinker, mere inches between bumpers. If it’s really that important, find yourself some lights and sirens. Might I suggest you put your middle finger back on the steering wheel? Please and thank you. You may do well with some smooth jazz or classical music to soothe your ragey nerves. 88.1FM or 105.1FM are good options, as are SiriusXM 66 and 76. Oh, and those pesky speed limit signs: I know you say to yourself, “Fast Driver of Southern California Roads, I know that sign reads 70 miles per hour, but they really meant 90.” WRONG. Literacy isn’t that hard, my friend.

Yours Truly,
Simmer Down Now, Here’s A Baby Animal

panda

Dear Slow Driver of Southern California Roads:
slugThe pedal on the right makes the car go. You should step on it. Everyone else is flying by at 80 miles an hour and here you are, putting along somewhere between molasses and grandma. ProTip: the fast drivers occupy the left side of the road and the slow drivers creep on the right. It makes sense: traffic needs to slow down to exit, ergo right lane is slower than other lanes. Don’t worry, you don’t have to exit – just stay there and cruise along at 47mph. No one will care. I promise. It’s just when you trudge along at the speed of a turtle when the rest of the road is going Ludicrous Speed, you’re a liability. Someone will hit you, or get unnecessarily aggressive and cause you to have a bad day. Just move to the right. Get out of the way. And, no, driving with your hazards on doesn’t make it any better if you’re not in the right lane – lookin’ at you, rusted blue 1989 Ford Ranger.

Sincerely,
The 68 MPH Speed Racer
drifting

Beware of Plastics

Everyone has that friend/family member/co-worker who’s all Judgy McJudgerson all the time about everything, telling you how you should and especially how you shouldn’t do things. Y’all know the one I’m talking about. You’re picturing his/her face right now, aren’t you? Yah. There’s one in every crowd, including mine. For these intents and purposes, let’s call her “Vera.” (No, Mom, it’s not you. In fact, I am not related to Vera, nor is my future husband.)

Sidenote: One of my favorite plays is a 2-man show called “Greater Tuna” which makes a whole lotta fun of small town Texas. These two guys play dozens of characters, most of them are women which makes it even funnier. My favorite character is Vera Carp, the town socialite who meddles in everyone’s business.

So, let us venture through the Vera Scandals thus far:

  • “December? Of this year?! Oh my G-d, you’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
    Wow. Where to start? Yes, December of this year. No, I’m not pregnant. Even if I were, would that be such a terrible thing? Get off your high horse and promptly remove that stick from your yoga-pantsed bo-hiney, thank you.
    whoa
  • “Wait, you’re getting married on a Sunday? No one gets married on a Sunday.”
    Good for you, reading a calendar! And, yes, people do get married on Sunday. And Tuesday. And Thursday. If you’re getting all critical over the day of the week I get married, you’ve got bigger issues to deal with; most of them will likely require professional help and a prescription. Good luck with that.
    patrice
  • “Um, what do you mean you’re having a ‘low-key’ reception? How can you have a wedding reception without a DJ or a bartender? Oh. My. G-d. Who is going to serve the food?”
    Hey, Princess Vera, you don’t have to drop a load of cash to have a good time. Moreover, my kind of people (clearly of whom you are not) don’t want to stand in a line for a drink and they definitely don’t want to do the chicken dance. Also, I’m pretty sure people are perfectly capable of serving themselves and, if they’re not, I’m more than happy to get them a plate and take it to them. No need to panic.
    panic

Maybe it’s because I’m nearly 31 or because I hate being the center of attention, especially in a group of people I don’t know; perhaps it’s because I know that a fairy tale wedding doesn’t mean you’ll have a fairy tale marriage, but Vera, my wedding isn’t about you or what you want, so back off.Wonder_Woman